Why Suicide?

This post is in relation to my "suicide" entries in the past.

People do not die from suicide; they die from sadness.
- I bumped into these lines this afternoon in Twitter and remembered someone suddenly.

A man killed himself because he loses his mind - these words can easily be uttered by someone who is not related  to him but try to think of his family and friends. The family will not stop blaming themselves and never move on; thinking of that moment right before he did it - if only they were there to stop it...

Wanting to die is not enough to trigger suicide. In order to kill yourself, you should have the guts and the means to carry out your plan. Suicide cases are increasing worldwide. Even famous celebrities killed themselves. But why?! What are they thinking? What is the science behind suicide? Why can't everyone just burst their problem into tears and be okay? Why can't they drink their sadness away? How sad is suicidal sad?

Psychologically, there are two main reasons of suicide. First is perceived burdensomeness, it is when one thinks that his death is worth more than his life. Second is social alienation, it is when one feels he doesn't belong to a family, group, etc.
Biologically, there's a malfunction in his serotonin system and pre-frontal cortex. These two brain things are responsible for his emotions and decisions.

No scientific findings understand the solid truth behind suicide, I only believe that the person who committed suicide (successful or not) is a psychological and emotional victim. Please don't treat them as if that state is easy. Don't say anything if you can't understand.

This suicidal behavior is developed in time. This time is what saddens the family/friends of the victim. The time when they're supposed to be there. The time when someone just cared. The time where all they have to do is talk. The time when somebody just have to do is check his room....the time that never did.

Unsure as Agnosticism

"I am Agnostic."

I grew up with my grandparents in a traditional and religious home. Sunday is church day; and if you missed to attend, they will make you feel guilty the whole week. We used to have a big altar with big crucifix and many statues of different saints. I remember attending several prayer meetings with my granny’s co-devotees.  Just like my uncle and older sister (without any choice), I became a member of many church groups like church choir, kids-for-christ, youth-for-christ, neo, etc. and attended yearly church camps. There comes a point where I went to church on a daily basis and read the bible cover to cover. We are even obligated to watch “Ten Commandments” movie and attend church activities every holy week. My friends used to joke around me saying, “Your soul will go beyond heaven!” Blindly, I followed the rules and the word of god. Then my uncle said this line, “Don’t you know that the Hebrews are still waiting for the messiah up to now?” I feel bad for them at first and started to ask questions later. Why Hebrews don't believe jesus is the son of god? – There must be a reason. Why there are so many religions? What kind of god is he, if he just let his people be separated by faith? Should I be alarmed if I were a Muslim? or a Hindu? Is faith comes from something divine or it's just geography? So many questions left unasked/unanswered and I kept my silence out of fear.

College, where I have more control with my life and left home, I met a lot of people and learned different things. I continued my religious pursuit and attended prayer meetings/open forums of different religious sects to answer my questions in the prior years. But none of them actually made sense. All of them are self-proclaimed saints. My questions just lead to more questions. I didn't know what to believe anymore.

As the years passed, it is clearer to me that I am not sure if there is a god and that a god is responsible for anything that’s happening in the world today. I am agnostic not because I hate god or jesus or a deity out of misfortune and unanswered prayer or anything personal but because believing into something metaphysical is something beyond me. I can’t stand for something I am not sure of (I have trust issues...haha!). I am skeptic to all things unclear. With all those vague religious claims, I feel safer with something who can present actual and physical data.  I know that there is something out there that is beyond the grasp of any human imagination. If it is god, then I'm hell bound. I don't want to bet the rest of my life in believing something that can't be proven. I believe everything is 50/50 chance. Knowledge can be highly probable, but never certain.

My boyfriend is a full-time-die-hard catholic but my disbelief is fine with him.He is a type who can't be persuaded that easy. There’s this one time when my boyfriend sarcastically asked me about my agnosticism, I turned to him instantly and said, “You believe in god and jesus and obey/follow the teachings in the bible, right? Of course, I am a catholic, he replied. You are an engineer and you understand big bang and evolution, right? Well...yes, he exclaimed. Which made more sense, the Theory of Evolution or your god who made man from clay and woman from that man’s ribs? He smiled and said nothing. You are such a sinner in questioning your god, I said and smiled (I might just converted him...jk!..hehe).

Then, I remember asking my sister once if she believes in a god, she replied with the Pascal’s Wager. I didn't say anything because I respect her beliefs and I believe that one shouldn't shove down his beliefs/religion into someone else’s throat. I think everyone just co-exist.

Catholicism and tradition works hand in hand, it’s just hard to separate these two. I don’t go to church anymore except for forced invitations during weddings and baptism rites. I don’t do prayers anymore but I celebrate saint festivities (foods are great) and Christmas (I love gifts). I am partially closet agnostic, I reckon. Only very few people know this and I’m totally fine with it. This disbelief is not something that one has to publicize/announce or anything…just like your beliefs.

PASTArrific!!!

One can never go wrong with pasta. Spaghetti, Penne, Linguine, Fetuccine, Fusilli, Macaroni, Lasagne, Farfelle...oh well, after all the varities known to men (hehe!) I guess they are all I got not just because they are the most popular but I have cooked and experimented these pastas in many ways.

Last night, I tried making fresh pasta and it tasted like bread...hehe! Because basically the ingredients ( flour, egg, salt and water) are that of a bread minus baking powder. It's more "chewy" than the normal dry type known to many and it tasted superlatively great.




However, I prefer the common type store bought dry pasta more than the fresh one in one basic reason and that is storage. Fresh pasta can go on for 4 days in refrigerator before it comes dry but dry pasta can last for a year.

I like stocking few varieties of pasta for emergency purposes, like I remember a time when it was very late at night, we (college mates) doing some school works, it's raining heavily outside and everyone was hungry. Since we can't go out for some meal, I tossed in some cooked linguine in oil, canned sardines and tomatoes and made everybody full and happy. Then, there was a time when I don't have enough money to buy snacks. I went to the kitchen and instantly made myself stir fry spaghetti out of oil, soy sauce and seasoning (solve!). Pasta saved me several times already that it is one of my favorite things in the world.

In case you didn't know!

Many believe that pasta was originated in China and was introduced by Marco Polo to Italy - not true! Italians are making fresh pasta long before Marco Polo came to Asia.

Macaroni is actually the proper term for all pasta made from wheat flour and water.

Tuguegarao City via "Cutting Trip"

Airplane tickets are expensive and limited. I think it is a must if there's no other transportation available or if you are in a hurry but if someone has all the time in the world, I think roadtrips are the way to go. I am known to be a hardcore road traveler among friends. I can go for days on the road without any travel sickness(except butt aches..hehehe) and I prefer to do it ALONE because you know, I can. I don't get bored or anything. It actually gives me a lot of time to think, to appreciate the sceneries, to learn and understand people, and to be awed with life. I can actually live in a bus and be a driver or conductor or whatever, hehe! jk!

Last holy week, when everyone was out of town, I got jealous and visited a friend in Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley. Since it was a sudden decision, and it was a holy week, all trips going there is fully-booked. I lost my interest in going there after I went to all bus stations I know and started imagining myself alone in the house for four days. But my itchy feet didn't give up. I remember Florida Buses usually have day trips which don't have reservations and I checked the "cutting trip" option in worst case scenario.

Florida bus station in Sampaloc offers "first come first served" seats in day trips but during holidays expect it to really be a riot and you have to be there as early as 3am to catch the 4am trip. Based on my experience, you have to hurdle all those people (usually male and who's bigger than you) in trying to get inside the bus, like in that of an apocalypse...hehe..imagine the terror. You have to be tough to get that chance (seat) or try the "cutting trip" if you are tougher.

Cutting trip - travelers/commuters term used when no direct public transportation available to your desired destination. One has to stop over from place to another via different types of transportation.

Here was my route but you can do several options if you want.
San Jose - Tuguegarao
- Baliwag Buses, along EDSA, Cubao Area. They don't have seat reservations, better go there as early as possible (during holidays). You may also try several other buses here in QC with San Jose, Nueva Ecija destinations. Drop off at Jollibee San Jose and wait for buses from Baguio City to Tuguegarao City. Travel time took me roughly 16hours, including meal and washroom stops.


Other route:
Urdaneta - San Jose - Tuguegarao route
Cabanatuan - San Jose - Ilagan - Tuguegarao route

Ilagan City, Isabela

...and if you want to visit or drop off to the towns along the way, just do. They have so much to offer especially during the summer. The golden rice field and all the beautiful sceneries. Food, delicacies and people. Your trip can never go wrong.

Aritao, Nueva Viscaya

I have circled most part of northern Luzon; from Pampanga to the last town of Pangasinan; Tarlac, Bataan, La Union to Benguet, from Bulacan to Nueva Ecija, to Viscaya;  from Isabela to Cagayan Valley to Aparri to Ilocos then back to Manila; and I must say that the butt aches are worth it all and believe me, I have tried the worst possible way to travel.

P.S. I will post my "cutting trip" adventures in these following places soon:
Leyte - Samar - Sorsogon - Bicol - Manila
Tuguegarao - Pagudpod - Laoag - Manila
Lucban - Manila ( for upcoming Pahiyas Festival)