Unsure as Agnosticism

"I am Agnostic."

I grew up with my grandparents in a traditional and religious home. Sunday is church day; and if you missed to attend, they will make you feel guilty the whole week. We used to have a big altar with big crucifix and many statues of different saints. I remember attending several prayer meetings with my granny’s co-devotees.  Just like my uncle and older sister (without any choice), I became a member of many church groups like church choir, kids-for-christ, youth-for-christ, neo, etc. and attended yearly church camps. There comes a point where I went to church on a daily basis and read the bible cover to cover. We are even obligated to watch “Ten Commandments” movie and attend church activities every holy week. My friends used to joke around me saying, “Your soul will go beyond heaven!” Blindly, I followed the rules and the word of god. Then my uncle said this line, “Don’t you know that the Hebrews are still waiting for the messiah up to now?” I feel bad for them at first and started to ask questions later. Why Hebrews don't believe jesus is the son of god? – There must be a reason. Why there are so many religions? What kind of god is he, if he just let his people be separated by faith? Should I be alarmed if I were a Muslim? or a Hindu? Is faith comes from something divine or it's just geography? So many questions left unasked/unanswered and I kept my silence out of fear.

College, where I have more control with my life and left home, I met a lot of people and learned different things. I continued my religious pursuit and attended prayer meetings/open forums of different religious sects to answer my questions in the prior years. But none of them actually made sense. All of them are self-proclaimed saints. My questions just lead to more questions. I didn't know what to believe anymore.

As the years passed, it is clearer to me that I am not sure if there is a god and that a god is responsible for anything that’s happening in the world today. I am agnostic not because I hate god or jesus or a deity out of misfortune and unanswered prayer or anything personal but because believing into something metaphysical is something beyond me. I can’t stand for something I am not sure of (I have trust issues...haha!). I am skeptic to all things unclear. With all those vague religious claims, I feel safer with something who can present actual and physical data.  I know that there is something out there that is beyond the grasp of any human imagination. If it is god, then I'm hell bound. I don't want to bet the rest of my life in believing something that can't be proven. I believe everything is 50/50 chance. Knowledge can be highly probable, but never certain.

My boyfriend is a full-time-die-hard catholic but my disbelief is fine with him.He is a type who can't be persuaded that easy. There’s this one time when my boyfriend sarcastically asked me about my agnosticism, I turned to him instantly and said, “You believe in god and jesus and obey/follow the teachings in the bible, right? Of course, I am a catholic, he replied. You are an engineer and you understand big bang and evolution, right? Well...yes, he exclaimed. Which made more sense, the Theory of Evolution or your god who made man from clay and woman from that man’s ribs? He smiled and said nothing. You are such a sinner in questioning your god, I said and smiled (I might just converted him...jk!..hehe).

Then, I remember asking my sister once if she believes in a god, she replied with the Pascal’s Wager. I didn't say anything because I respect her beliefs and I believe that one shouldn't shove down his beliefs/religion into someone else’s throat. I think everyone just co-exist.

Catholicism and tradition works hand in hand, it’s just hard to separate these two. I don’t go to church anymore except for forced invitations during weddings and baptism rites. I don’t do prayers anymore but I celebrate saint festivities (foods are great) and Christmas (I love gifts). I am partially closet agnostic, I reckon. Only very few people know this and I’m totally fine with it. This disbelief is not something that one has to publicize/announce or anything…just like your beliefs.