Simply JESSIE...

March 11, 2014, 5:32pm.

Dear you,

Hi! I played our song again today. I've heard that you finally changed your surname to you mother's. That's good to know. I know how you really wanted it.

You know how sad it is to remember you this part of the day where you used to accompany me going home from school for three years. We were so young then yet we were so sure about life. Looking back at what we had never fails to put a smile on my face and pain in my heart - bittersweet memories.

You used to be a heart-throb then, you played soccer and you drove a motorcycle, you're tall, fair and had a really nice hair, you had dimples on your cheeks, you dressed well, kissable red lips, you laughed awkwardly cute - every high school girl's dream. Remember how you won for "Best in Talent" during Ginoong Matimatiko during your 3rd year - you danced really well. Remember when you invited me for lunch in your house and your sister told me how you like cabbage. Remember one night, when you're on top of that minibus and you saw me eating dinner, carrying my plate, in front of television. All those after school dates at the upper campus. Those moments when we cut class, went to one of friend's house, watched movies and get drunk.

I remember how our friends would say how we looked good together - a perfect match. They didn't know how stupid and childish you were and how crazier I was. I forgot how we became "us". I mean, before I met you, I already heard about you. You were this and that - really out of my league. I don't really like mestizo guys - you know that. I had some cognitive filtering then. You must have told me before how we met, still I forgot.I'm really not that romantic type.

Remember our date in the city where you bought my Savage Garden,  (and 7 other) cassette tape? Because of  "Truly, Madly, Deeply" song? We played dance arcade games - oh! and how I used to dance. That was really big a deal that time because we were just 15-year old high school studs and it was your treat (where did you get that money?). How our friends gone ballistic after knowing we went on a date after that Sunday-Church-group-date...yah..and the May 10, 2010 - Statue of Liberty, New York City deal - sorry about that, I didn't make there as well.

I was amaze how you took and loved all my craps. I know I am not as pretty as I used to see myself but you were there. How you tried to like my genre of music. How you wanted to be the guy I really wanted. How many times you cried because I was very inconsiderate. I remember how I'd let you down so many times because I used to be a "playgirl", people said. How you told me "I am not a toy mum!" (it really breaks my heart now). How could I be so cruel? How your step father wanted us apart because he is my family relative but you fought for me -  for us. How other girls secretly wanted you but you didn't leave me. How I used to be your everything. Marjorie told me she asked you how much you love me. You told her that whatever mistake I'll gonna get, as long as I still loves you, you will take me back.

I think I just miss you a little too much. You're always be part of my life, you know that. I really don't know why I'm writing this. I want to say sorry for what I have done wrong. I don't always look back for regrets, but I guess this one haunts me. If only I could go back in time, I would relive high school over and over again because you're there. It's a great time, you know.

I'm really sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I know I am not the reason why you ended your life. But part of me can't help to wonder. If I haven't hooked up with another guy in front of you after graduation, you wouldn't be so hurt. If I didn't let you, you wouldn't be in another relationship, and another, and another. We would still be together, I could have looked over you, took care of you. But damn!!!! You're gone.

I never thought you've gone too weak. It might be my fault. You know, I kind of hate you for that. How can you be so selfish? Have you forgotten what I told you about life and pain? Or its really too much for you. Part of me dies whenever I remember you. I used to know you inside out that's why sometimes parts of me blame myself for what happened to you. I could be the one. Last time we talked -  New Year's Eve of 2009, I know you wanted to tell me something, you told me you still love me and always will. I just laughed as usual. I know then you have some health and emotional challenges yet I failed you. I was so busy talking about that guy I ditched you with - but you listened as if you're happy for me. I didn't know it's the last time I see you.

I guess sorry will not change anything now. How I can't look at your mother and sister eye to eye. How I wasn't there at your funeral. How I don't have photos of you and "us" from long ago. All I have are memories of how you  used to be.

It's funny how people still roped in our names. How your best friend, after your death, talked to me as if I AM your girlfriend. You had a serious relationship after me, they know that. But we loved each other first.

It's been two years since you've gone but everytime I played SAVAGE GARDEN tracks, you're with me again, I guess it will always be.

I miss you. See you in another time.



This is for JESSIE DENOY aka JESSIE TORRES, my friend.
You will not be forgotten.