Est-ce que vous

When was the last time you saw the sunrise? 

How about the blue morning sky? 

Did you notice the flowers blooming  in the garden?

Did you say Hi!

…or did you just woke up and drove to work? You worked for hours, got stuck in the traffic and got home pass 8 pm… Is it life? Is this you called living or just merely existing?

When was the last time you saw the sunset? 

How about the indigo dusk sky? 

Did you notice the flowers weathered in the garden? 

Did you say Bye!

on Love and Suicide

I hate love stories.
It will always ends in tragedy.
Too little, too much.
You will never be enough.

I saw you in the darkness, yet I looked away.
I looked away too long that you got tired of waiting.
You left one day, without any warning.
You left one day, with the rope tied to the ceiling.

We wept, we mourned.
Burnt pictures, you took them to the grave.
Nothing remain but memories.
Memories of love and all that you were.

For mother who buried her son.
For families who's questions will never be answered.
For your dreams that gone astray.
For love, you left suddenly.

To live is to die.
We are all but cosmic accident, a chance.
Lucky are the people who live it to the fullest.
Morose for the people who ended it before their time.

What is it with EXs?

You can't be just friends with someone you had feelings with, especially with their girlfriend. It's either you still love them or didn't in the first place. I was once bumped into these lines and I believe these are not true, or at least not in my case.

High school. Who didn't have "the best time of their lives"? Yes, high school. Like a normal kid, I totally made the best out of those times. Academic to non-academic school affairs, almost failing grades, guidance counselor office visits, impossible assignments, exam top-notch, cutting classes, teenage love affairs, etc.

I did mine - worthwhile, especially because of my high school sweetheart. We didn't end up together but I am happy I had him once. Our relationship ended after graduation just because we have to go. I don't know, I loved him but the break-up didn't hurt so bad. We didn't see each often, no communication whatsoever, it just turned off. I think it went on to what we call a naturally death. Like ending a very good book, it's sad but you have to close and leave it behind.

After many years, he had relationships and I had mine. I don't understand why his girlfriends hated me. So, there's this lover after me, hated me because of whatever reason. Maybe because I am the ex. You know ex-girlfriends... Bitches, we call them that because maybe they had our guy first or maybe of insecurities, I don't know. Then maybe it's because of our differences and sameness of liking the same guy - like a reflection of ourselves but in a weird way.

I've been quite about those bitches. I don't care about my ex and his present relationships because I was in college, I lived my life and I am occupied with the present, my present life.

After college, I left our hometown and I haven't heard about him for a long time then someone messaged me in my Facebook account. There's this young lady, she introduced herself to be the girlfriend of him. And I was like, wow! What is this? I was obnoxious. He had relationships after me, then why not contact the girl before her. I am way last in the line of his ex's. I thought she's going to be one of those "haters" but things are great between us. She's a decade younger than us, so I thought she will act like those teenagers who's going to throw tantrums at him and post hate words on my FB timeline.

She admitted to had arguments with him whenever I came into topic. She even told me how he used to "spark" when they talked about me. It's quite flattering, you know. I remember her asking advice how to tame him. Then had her heart broken by him, still she told me. We are good friends right now. We just talked about him last night on how he used to be. How he used to be mine, and how he used to be hers. How he used to be our pretty boy.

Now, why am I not bothered with this? Did I not love him in the first place? Love, what's that even mean? Is it the way you care for him? Is it the thoughts for him? The trust? The commitment? Yes, I cared, trusted and used to think about him. If it is love, then I used to love him that I wanted him grow in a distance. I loved him, not the kind that smothered. If he comes back, then fine.

Now, I'm just glad that there's this girl who looks at me as a friend, with all those ex's and present girlfriend my ex-boyfriends had and will going to have, including their friends, who's going to hate you forever.


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(So, to answer the question; we can't help but feel somewhat negative when it comes to this EX thing. Humans as part of the animal kingdom, females are territorial in nature especially when around with other females. This is why "mother-in-laws" are typically monstrous (haha..sorry mommy Tess). We wanted us to be the one and the best.
We'll get jealous and insecure when he's around with someone, especially with someone whom he has history with. He might leave because the other girl is cooler, prettier, hotter  or whatever than me. Or he will cheat because you are....etc...No matter how we wanted to see it, they're there. They are part of his past. Accept it because like how humans are programmed biologically, his past is something we can't change. Besides, no matter how great you are there will always be greater than you.

Confidence and trust.
Believe in yourself. Show him you're the best he can have. Dress well, act well and invest in your mind. Be the woman he will want.
Believe in him. He may not be the showy type but he never misses good morning and goodnight messages. Let him go out with his friends. Let him missed you. Men don't want to be fenced. The more you are clingy, the more they elude you.)

My Journey to RockLandia

It's been a while since my last head trip. I've been busy business traveling these past months, doing some office chores and playing a lot of Clash of Clans (android strategic game).

If you ever happened to hear people (my officemates) call me "IDOL!", then throws in that peace sign with their hands like in concerts, let me tell you why...

I am a rockstar and yes! I love Nirvana and U2.

I will tell you, like I told the crowd during the MERALCO Battle of the Bands  last November 7, 2014, how I dreamt being in a band, how I wanted to perform on stage and how I thought everything will just be a vision. Everything just came too fast and surreal to me that I thought everything was just a dream until 3days. Haha!

Thursday, a week before that event, my colleague called and informed me if I'm willing to join the BotB, I said of course (just kidding) and submitted our entry (oh! Well...). We planned to practice just that following Monday, November 3, 2014, (because we are all professionals and all,haha) but all 4 of us are so busy that we decided to do it on the following day (we are thaaat good!). We still have no song that morning, lunchbreak when someone suggested "Sampaguita" song... "Nosi Ba Lasi" (it's a good choice for BotB song entry) and the group agreed. Knowing how my OPM knowledge sucks, I have to memorize the song. Our 3 session- 5hour practice was a no-good. I messed-up the lyrics but fortunately, my band is the best. I have the best lead guitarist (Leejay Caringal) and bass guitarist (Lawrence Yap) and easy-learner drummer (Jeck Calamiong). During the event, I feel confident after listening the other bands performed. I mean, during our practice, we took videos and listened to ourselves and felt bad about it but then came other bands like a confidence booster because few (or most) failed. You know live performance right, anything can go wrong but we didn't. Hehe! We performed and owned the night. We may not be the champion but we know we did great. We made our company, colleagues and friends proud, we made each other proud and we fulfilled our dreams.

Me - banging my head like a pro!

That night didn't end there. We had invitations. I got gig invitations. We performed during our Company's Anniversary celebration, during Christmas parties and our management bought and built us musical lounge.

One can never say how possible or impossible a dream is, even the wildest. Even if I used to sing during my younger years, I never thought I will make it to the rock stage. Especially when someone starts working and all the stuff life throwing at us.

Sure, I don't have the best and strong vocals but I have the passion and guts. Also, I've known no one, not even in my circle of friends, that ever love rock and grunge music more than I do.

Lesson - Never ignore and give up on a dream, no matter how impossible it may seems.

My forgotten CAREER SERVICE LICENSE

I am a Career Service Professional and I don't know what to do with it. Can you tell me?
Few of us have asked ourselves, other people or perhaps (if you are desperate enough) called Civil Service Commission about this.

It was summer of 2007 when my boyfriend called to inform me that I passed the CSC - PPT Exam we had last October 22, 2006. Much to my surprise, I was the last person to know about it because earlier that day, my high school teacher and classmate congratulated me for something, I just smiled (like I always do when I don't know what's going on). Well, I am proud about it not just because I am part of that 10% passers (nationwide), but also I was just a student then. In fact, I was the youngest examinee in the room.

Let me tell you one thing about the exam - it is not that easy. All those big words and numerical reasoning without the aid of dictionary and calculator, under time pressure. Hurry, hurry! It's the same feeling when I took DOST Scholarship Exam. Though some parts of me actually knew I'll gonna pass, in which I did (smiley face), still it's quite difficult, especially if you're not fond with words and numbers.

Okay, but what it is to me now? Did it make my pay grade higher? Will my employer promote me for it or will they even care? Apparently, no and I don't know. After almost eight years of working in a private Corporation, I almost forgot about it. Blah blah!!

Here in the Philippines, when we say Career Services Professional - we mean Government Employee - yes, most people I know, are under this impression - that includes me. Well, it is TRUE. In fact, when I called the CSC Public Assistance and Information Office, they validated this. Basically, this eligibility is only valid when you are planning to spend your whole career life in a Government Office - how sad! Knowing how great our government system is.

What to do about it now? NOTHING....Why? Do you want me to cry a river about it? It is just merely an additional certificate that has nothing to do with my job and what I preferred doing. Oh yeah! The darkness of my life knows no bound...

But hey! Who knows, I might end up settling in the province, teach in a government school or procrastinate in one of government offices there. (pure sarcasm)


Disappointing - yes!

Simply JESSIE...

March 11, 2014, 5:32pm.

Dear you,

Hi! I played our song again today. I've heard that you finally changed your surname to you mother's. That's good to know. I know how you really wanted it.

You know how sad it is to remember you this part of the day where you used to accompany me going home from school for three years. We were so young then yet we were so sure about life. Looking back at what we had never fails to put a smile on my face and pain in my heart - bittersweet memories.

You used to be a heart-throb then, you played soccer and you drove a motorcycle, you're tall, fair and had a really nice hair, you had dimples on your cheeks, you dressed well, kissable red lips, you laughed awkwardly cute - every high school girl's dream. Remember how you won for "Best in Talent" during Ginoong Matimatiko during your 3rd year - you danced really well. Remember when you invited me for lunch in your house and your sister told me how you like cabbage. Remember one night, when you're on top of that minibus and you saw me eating dinner, carrying my plate, in front of television. All those after school dates at the upper campus. Those moments when we cut class, went to one of friend's house, watched movies and get drunk.

I remember how our friends would say how we looked good together - a perfect match. They didn't know how stupid and childish you were and how crazier I was. I forgot how we became "us". I mean, before I met you, I already heard about you. You were this and that - really out of my league. I don't really like mestizo guys - you know that. I had some cognitive filtering then. You must have told me before how we met, still I forgot.I'm really not that romantic type.

Remember our date in the city where you bought my Savage Garden,  (and 7 other) cassette tape? Because of  "Truly, Madly, Deeply" song? We played dance arcade games - oh! and how I used to dance. That was really big a deal that time because we were just 15-year old high school studs and it was your treat (where did you get that money?). How our friends gone ballistic after knowing we went on a date after that Sunday-Church-group-date...yah..and the May 10, 2010 - Statue of Liberty, New York City deal - sorry about that, I didn't make there as well.

I was amaze how you took and loved all my craps. I know I am not as pretty as I used to see myself but you were there. How you tried to like my genre of music. How you wanted to be the guy I really wanted. How many times you cried because I was very inconsiderate. I remember how I'd let you down so many times because I used to be a "playgirl", people said. How you told me "I am not a toy mum!" (it really breaks my heart now). How could I be so cruel? How your step father wanted us apart because he is my family relative but you fought for me -  for us. How other girls secretly wanted you but you didn't leave me. How I used to be your everything. Marjorie told me she asked you how much you love me. You told her that whatever mistake I'll gonna get, as long as I still loves you, you will take me back.

I think I just miss you a little too much. You're always be part of my life, you know that. I really don't know why I'm writing this. I want to say sorry for what I have done wrong. I don't always look back for regrets, but I guess this one haunts me. If only I could go back in time, I would relive high school over and over again because you're there. It's a great time, you know.

I'm really sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. I know I am not the reason why you ended your life. But part of me can't help to wonder. If I haven't hooked up with another guy in front of you after graduation, you wouldn't be so hurt. If I didn't let you, you wouldn't be in another relationship, and another, and another. We would still be together, I could have looked over you, took care of you. But damn!!!! You're gone.

I never thought you've gone too weak. It might be my fault. You know, I kind of hate you for that. How can you be so selfish? Have you forgotten what I told you about life and pain? Or its really too much for you. Part of me dies whenever I remember you. I used to know you inside out that's why sometimes parts of me blame myself for what happened to you. I could be the one. Last time we talked -  New Year's Eve of 2009, I know you wanted to tell me something, you told me you still love me and always will. I just laughed as usual. I know then you have some health and emotional challenges yet I failed you. I was so busy talking about that guy I ditched you with - but you listened as if you're happy for me. I didn't know it's the last time I see you.

I guess sorry will not change anything now. How I can't look at your mother and sister eye to eye. How I wasn't there at your funeral. How I don't have photos of you and "us" from long ago. All I have are memories of how you  used to be.

It's funny how people still roped in our names. How your best friend, after your death, talked to me as if I AM your girlfriend. You had a serious relationship after me, they know that. But we loved each other first.

It's been two years since you've gone but everytime I played SAVAGE GARDEN tracks, you're with me again, I guess it will always be.

I miss you. See you in another time.



This is for JESSIE DENOY aka JESSIE TORRES, my friend.
You will not be forgotten.

Meat Mixins

Worried about meat leftovers?

Never occurred to me...I'm a type of person who's been through a lot. I know how it feels like if you have nothing to eat. Those challenges instilled in me...never ever to waste something with value...especially food.

Okay, enough of the drama...

Haven't I told you how I feel about Sunday morning?...I mean how the morning warms up the feeling of ease. You wake up without the alarm. You brewed your coffee without the rush. The rhythm of the old songs played on the radio..and the chance, just once a week, to cook your choice of breakfast. Oh yes! the breakfast...good thing I have leftovers...you know..how we love the Saturday Nights that we over "buy"  food for late night movie marathon or something...

Okay, I would like to share my random recipe on what's available in my kitchen. I usually do this stuff because I hate to go outside during this epic part of the day. How I just spend almost the whole day just wearing my the-night-before-clothes...I am like that most of the Sundays of my life.

Okay back to the recipe. Here it is....

I have: 

(Slice everything pea size)

5 slices of Bologna

3 slices of Ham

1/4k meat (you can have this ground)

3 pcs. Hotdog

1/4k Greenpeas

1/2k Potato

1 big green bell pepper

1 big yellow

1 cup raisin

1 medium union

4 cloves of garlic

salt and pepper

I...(since all meat ingredients are cooked)

1. Saute garlic and union, add the potato.

2. When the potato is half cooked, add green peas. Then, mix the meat ingredients cook for 3 minutes.

3. Add the remaining ingredients, add salt and pepper to taste.

4. Serve this with eggs. 

Very easy you see...

You can actually add anything here. Pineapple bits or carrots (but I didn't because I only eat raw carrots). I think you can add a lot of veggies here, like mushrooms, zucchini or brocolli, it's up to you.

Try to be creative. Be familiar to the taste of every food element so that you can make or create your own version of everything, some of them are resilient, some are not.

Anyway, I hope you'll like it. It's not some kind of scrumptious menu that are served in hotels or fine dining resto but it's a good start to be like a real independent woman who actually knows what to do with Saturday nights food leftovers...hehe! ciao!