My friends and my Disbelief

“People who don’t understand are usually the ones that have a lot of things to say”.

I am agnostic and only very few people knows it not because I am afraid of being shunned and called “Anti-christ”, but because I know most people don’t understand it. Swimming against the current is never easy. Being different is very stressful. People will judge you when you do something out of the ordinary. It’s wearisome to explain something to someone who’s not ready to comprehend your thought.

I kept my disbelief in the closet except for people I know are “well educated”. I thought having college education, especially when you are majoring “Science”, will make you question everything and not relying every unexplained phenomena to supreme being,  god or magic but I guess I was wrong.

Recently, I talked to my high school friends via social apps (facebook group chat). I am aware that these particular friends are very religious because of their facebook statuses and posts and, of course, I know them. One of them is a gay, I mean homosexual. According to him, he’s been like that as long and far as he can remember and he love being himself. I have no problem with gay people, in fact I like them and I support their rights. We were exchanging messages while he’s on a “prayer meeting”, then he told me about something like “he don’t want to be gay anymore”. Of course, everyone who’s connected to that chat was shocked. I responded sarcastically with, “because it is a sin and you’ll burn in hell…hahaha”.

Homosexuality is not a sin just the act, he said. I like him and I want to make him to feel alright. So, with all of my understanding about it I told him that an act is not bad when both parties agreed and are in legal age. I thought he understands my intentions then he asked why I think that way, “Do I not fear god”? He and one of my female friends asked if I am an Atheist and bashed all wrong misguided words about Atheism to me like I am a confused and a lost soul (haha!). I didn't say anything because I know right there, they’re not ready for my thoughts. I don’t really care in everything they said except for, “How can you know if you are doing the right thing?” and “If everyone will do what they want, what do think will happen?” You see, these questions are really stupid (for people with reason) and I think I will just waste my time answering these. But I did anyway…

People will say something whether you’re doing the right or the wrong thing, might as well do what makes you happy, responsibly. Being a responsible person, one has to consider other people’s feelings and circumstances too.  A normal person will not do criminal act to another person not just because it’s against the law but because it is unpleasant thing to do. As a person, I will not kill someone not just because I am afraid to be imprisoned but because I respect the right of every human being to live.  As an Agnostic/Atheist, I do what is good and just to people not because of the reward of eternal life but because I know it’s the right thing to do. 

He insisted that knowing what is good is god, so I immediately derailed the thread. There is no point in arguing with these kinds of people. I look at them differently now but they are my friends, their faith and my disbelief will not break our relationship built for how many years of ups and downs. Surely they will look at me differently too, I just hope they will not spread the news exaggeratedly because you know… (please refer to the first paragraph)

P.S. 

I told him that since he believe that it's not right to be a homosexual and he loathes being one, then he should do something about it and end it (there are I think possible science ways). I know it is not easy but if there's a will, there's a way.

He don't hate being gay, he said. 

I think you are the confused lost soul here haha!, I replied.

I am not a lost soul, just poor in spirit, he said.

Okay, I give up!!!..haha 

(Not that I disrepect his belief but what really is funny is that he is a total-100% gay but he want to end it because it's a sin accordingly to the "Bible". He wanted to sacrifice his own happiness and self based on a fictional book.)

In memory of Zeus

Earlier today, I never felt more devastated than losing him. He was the sweetest among the five puppies I ever had. He used to fight with Odin (other pooch) just to sit on my lap. I honestly can't wait to see him grow older to know how big he can get.

I must say, I love dogs more than humans. I am more affected when dogs die in movies. I haven't watched the whole "Eight Below", though it's a great movie, because my sister told me that there's a dog who died. Now you know why I don't want to watch the movie "Hachiku" - I don't want to torture myself.

People have hurt me and I moved on because people really sucks, I get that. Dogs left me and I died because dogs are precious and loyal. My heart get shattered and I can't pick up the pieces.

I can't recall when was the first time I fell inlove into their kind. It's because I grew up with dogs and pets alike around me. Dogs don't scare me. They have a special place in my heart. I get sad when I see stray hungry dogs on the streets. I don't like to see dogs in cages and leashes, I believe that they have the right to play and run freely, a lot. Sometimes I think I have lots of dog atom in me - to explain my emotional bond to them.

Much for my love for dogs, I don't believe in the afterlife but I like to believe that somewhere in time, I will see him (and all dogs I loss) again. I hope there's a "dog heaven", where all dogs are happily waiting for their masters (mommies) to come and be with them forever.

(I'm crying while writing this...)
Mommy loves you so much Zeus. I will see you again baby.

Zeus - March 22, 2015 8:32am
I took this picture while I was having my morning coffee at the veranda.
He (they) used to wait for me to come outside for play time. 

Why Suicide?

This post is in relation to my "suicide" entries in the past.

People do not die from suicide; they die from sadness.
- I bumped into these lines this afternoon in Twitter and remembered someone suddenly.

A man killed himself because he loses his mind - these words can easily be uttered by someone who is not related  to him but try to think of his family and friends. The family will not stop blaming themselves and never move on; thinking of that moment right before he did it - if only they were there to stop it...

Wanting to die is not enough to trigger suicide. In order to kill yourself, you should have the guts and the means to carry out your plan. Suicide cases are increasing worldwide. Even famous celebrities killed themselves. But why?! What are they thinking? What is the science behind suicide? Why can't everyone just burst their problem into tears and be okay? Why can't they drink their sadness away? How sad is suicidal sad?

Psychologically, there are two main reasons of suicide. First is perceived burdensomeness, it is when one thinks that his death is worth more than his life. Second is social alienation, it is when one feels he doesn't belong to a family, group, etc.
Biologically, there's a malfunction in his serotonin system and pre-frontal cortex. These two brain things are responsible for his emotions and decisions.

No scientific findings understand the solid truth behind suicide, I only believe that the person who committed suicide (successful or not) is a psychological and emotional victim. Please don't treat them as if that state is easy. Don't say anything if you can't understand.

This suicidal behavior is developed in time. This time is what saddens the family/friends of the victim. The time when they're supposed to be there. The time when someone just cared. The time where all they have to do is talk. The time when somebody just have to do is check his room....the time that never did.

Unsure as Agnosticism

"I am Agnostic."

I grew up with my grandparents in a traditional and religious home. Sunday is church day; and if you missed to attend, they will make you feel guilty the whole week. We used to have a big altar with big crucifix and many statues of different saints. I remember attending several prayer meetings with my granny’s co-devotees.  Just like my uncle and older sister (without any choice), I became a member of many church groups like church choir, kids-for-christ, youth-for-christ, neo, etc. and attended yearly church camps. There comes a point where I went to church on a daily basis and read the bible cover to cover. We are even obligated to watch “Ten Commandments” movie and attend church activities every holy week. My friends used to joke around me saying, “Your soul will go beyond heaven!” Blindly, I followed the rules and the word of god. Then my uncle said this line, “Don’t you know that the Hebrews are still waiting for the messiah up to now?” I feel bad for them at first and started to ask questions later. Why Hebrews don't believe jesus is the son of god? – There must be a reason. Why there are so many religions? What kind of god is he, if he just let his people be separated by faith? Should I be alarmed if I were a Muslim? or a Hindu? Is faith comes from something divine or it's just geography? So many questions left unasked/unanswered and I kept my silence out of fear.

College, where I have more control with my life and left home, I met a lot of people and learned different things. I continued my religious pursuit and attended prayer meetings/open forums of different religious sects to answer my questions in the prior years. But none of them actually made sense. All of them are self-proclaimed saints. My questions just lead to more questions. I didn't know what to believe anymore.

As the years passed, it is clearer to me that I am not sure if there is a god and that a god is responsible for anything that’s happening in the world today. I am agnostic not because I hate god or jesus or a deity out of misfortune and unanswered prayer or anything personal but because believing into something metaphysical is something beyond me. I can’t stand for something I am not sure of (I have trust issues...haha!). I am skeptic to all things unclear. With all those vague religious claims, I feel safer with something who can present actual and physical data.  I know that there is something out there that is beyond the grasp of any human imagination. If it is god, then I'm hell bound. I don't want to bet the rest of my life in believing something that can't be proven. I believe everything is 50/50 chance. Knowledge can be highly probable, but never certain.

My boyfriend is a full-time-die-hard catholic but my disbelief is fine with him.He is a type who can't be persuaded that easy. There’s this one time when my boyfriend sarcastically asked me about my agnosticism, I turned to him instantly and said, “You believe in god and jesus and obey/follow the teachings in the bible, right? Of course, I am a catholic, he replied. You are an engineer and you understand big bang and evolution, right? Well...yes, he exclaimed. Which made more sense, the Theory of Evolution or your god who made man from clay and woman from that man’s ribs? He smiled and said nothing. You are such a sinner in questioning your god, I said and smiled (I might just converted him...jk!..hehe).

Then, I remember asking my sister once if she believes in a god, she replied with the Pascal’s Wager. I didn't say anything because I respect her beliefs and I believe that one shouldn't shove down his beliefs/religion into someone else’s throat. I think everyone just co-exist.

Catholicism and tradition works hand in hand, it’s just hard to separate these two. I don’t go to church anymore except for forced invitations during weddings and baptism rites. I don’t do prayers anymore but I celebrate saint festivities (foods are great) and Christmas (I love gifts). I am partially closet agnostic, I reckon. Only very few people know this and I’m totally fine with it. This disbelief is not something that one has to publicize/announce or anything…just like your beliefs.

PASTArrific!!!

One can never go wrong with pasta. Spaghetti, Penne, Linguine, Fetuccine, Fusilli, Macaroni, Lasagne, Farfelle...oh well, after all the varities known to men (hehe!) I guess they are all I got not just because they are the most popular but I have cooked and experimented these pastas in many ways.

Last night, I tried making fresh pasta and it tasted like bread...hehe! Because basically the ingredients ( flour, egg, salt and water) are that of a bread minus baking powder. It's more "chewy" than the normal dry type known to many and it tasted superlatively great.




However, I prefer the common type store bought dry pasta more than the fresh one in one basic reason and that is storage. Fresh pasta can go on for 4 days in refrigerator before it comes dry but dry pasta can last for a year.

I like stocking few varieties of pasta for emergency purposes, like I remember a time when it was very late at night, we (college mates) doing some school works, it's raining heavily outside and everyone was hungry. Since we can't go out for some meal, I tossed in some cooked linguine in oil, canned sardines and tomatoes and made everybody full and happy. Then, there was a time when I don't have enough money to buy snacks. I went to the kitchen and instantly made myself stir fry spaghetti out of oil, soy sauce and seasoning (solve!). Pasta saved me several times already that it is one of my favorite things in the world.

In case you didn't know!

Many believe that pasta was originated in China and was introduced by Marco Polo to Italy - not true! Italians are making fresh pasta long before Marco Polo came to Asia.

Macaroni is actually the proper term for all pasta made from wheat flour and water.

Tuguegarao City via "Cutting Trip"

Airplane tickets are expensive and limited. I think it is a must if there's no other transportation available or if you are in a hurry but if someone has all the time in the world, I think roadtrips are the way to go. I am known to be a hardcore road traveler among friends. I can go for days on the road without any travel sickness(except butt aches..hehehe) and I prefer to do it ALONE because you know, I can. I don't get bored or anything. It actually gives me a lot of time to think, to appreciate the sceneries, to learn and understand people, and to be awed with life. I can actually live in a bus and be a driver or conductor or whatever, hehe! jk!

Last holy week, when everyone was out of town, I got jealous and visited a friend in Tuguegarao City, Cagayan Valley. Since it was a sudden decision, and it was a holy week, all trips going there is fully-booked. I lost my interest in going there after I went to all bus stations I know and started imagining myself alone in the house for four days. But my itchy feet didn't give up. I remember Florida Buses usually have day trips which don't have reservations and I checked the "cutting trip" option in worst case scenario.

Florida bus station in Sampaloc offers "first come first served" seats in day trips but during holidays expect it to really be a riot and you have to be there as early as 3am to catch the 4am trip. Based on my experience, you have to hurdle all those people (usually male and who's bigger than you) in trying to get inside the bus, like in that of an apocalypse...hehe..imagine the terror. You have to be tough to get that chance (seat) or try the "cutting trip" if you are tougher.

Cutting trip - travelers/commuters term used when no direct public transportation available to your desired destination. One has to stop over from place to another via different types of transportation.

Here was my route but you can do several options if you want.
San Jose - Tuguegarao
- Baliwag Buses, along EDSA, Cubao Area. They don't have seat reservations, better go there as early as possible (during holidays). You may also try several other buses here in QC with San Jose, Nueva Ecija destinations. Drop off at Jollibee San Jose and wait for buses from Baguio City to Tuguegarao City. Travel time took me roughly 16hours, including meal and washroom stops.


Other route:
Urdaneta - San Jose - Tuguegarao route
Cabanatuan - San Jose - Ilagan - Tuguegarao route

Ilagan City, Isabela

...and if you want to visit or drop off to the towns along the way, just do. They have so much to offer especially during the summer. The golden rice field and all the beautiful sceneries. Food, delicacies and people. Your trip can never go wrong.

Aritao, Nueva Viscaya

I have circled most part of northern Luzon; from Pampanga to the last town of Pangasinan; Tarlac, Bataan, La Union to Benguet, from Bulacan to Nueva Ecija, to Viscaya;  from Isabela to Cagayan Valley to Aparri to Ilocos then back to Manila; and I must say that the butt aches are worth it all and believe me, I have tried the worst possible way to travel.

P.S. I will post my "cutting trip" adventures in these following places soon:
Leyte - Samar - Sorsogon - Bicol - Manila
Tuguegarao - Pagudpod - Laoag - Manila
Lucban - Manila ( for upcoming Pahiyas Festival)

Est-ce que vous

When was the last time you saw the sunrise? 

How about the blue morning sky? 

Did you notice the flowers blooming  in the garden?

Did you say Hi!

…or did you just woke up and drove to work? You worked for hours, got stuck in the traffic and got home pass 8 pm… Is it life? Is this you called living or just merely existing?

When was the last time you saw the sunset? 

How about the indigo dusk sky? 

Did you notice the flowers weathered in the garden? 

Did you say Bye!

on Love and Suicide

I hate love stories.
It will always ends in tragedy.
Too little, too much.
You will never be enough.

I saw you in the darkness, yet I looked away.
I looked away too long that you got tired of waiting.
You left one day, without any warning.
You left one day, with the rope tied to the ceiling.

We wept, we mourned.
Burnt pictures, you took them to the grave.
Nothing remain but memories.
Memories of love and all that you were.

For mother who buried her son.
For families who's questions will never be answered.
For your dreams that gone astray.
For love, you left suddenly.

To live is to die.
We are all but cosmic accident, a chance.
Lucky are the people who live it to the fullest.
Morose for the people who ended it before their time.

What is it with EXs?

You can't be just friends with someone you had feelings with, especially with their girlfriend. It's either you still love them or didn't in the first place. I was once bumped into these lines and I believe these are not true, or at least not in my case.

High school. Who didn't have "the best time of their lives"? Yes, high school. Like a normal kid, I totally made the best out of those times. Academic to non-academic school affairs, almost failing grades, guidance counselor office visits, impossible assignments, exam top-notch, cutting classes, teenage love affairs, etc.

I did mine - worthwhile, especially because of my high school sweetheart. We didn't end up together but I am happy I had him once. Our relationship ended after graduation just because we have to go. I don't know, I loved him but the break-up didn't hurt so bad. We didn't see each often, no communication whatsoever, it just turned off. I think it went on to what we call a naturally death. Like ending a very good book, it's sad but you have to close and leave it behind.

After many years, he had relationships and I had mine. I don't understand why his girlfriends hated me. So, there's this lover after me, hated me because of whatever reason. Maybe because I am the ex. You know ex-girlfriends... Bitches, we call them that because maybe they had our guy first or maybe of insecurities, I don't know. Then maybe it's because of our differences and sameness of liking the same guy - like a reflection of ourselves but in a weird way.

I've been quite about those bitches. I don't care about my ex and his present relationships because I was in college, I lived my life and I am occupied with the present, my present life.

After college, I left our hometown and I haven't heard about him for a long time then someone messaged me in my Facebook account. There's this young lady, she introduced herself to be the girlfriend of him. And I was like, wow! What is this? I was obnoxious. He had relationships after me, then why not contact the girl before her. I am way last in the line of his ex's. I thought she's going to be one of those "haters" but things are great between us. She's a decade younger than us, so I thought she will act like those teenagers who's going to throw tantrums at him and post hate words on my FB timeline.

She admitted to had arguments with him whenever I came into topic. She even told me how he used to "spark" when they talked about me. It's quite flattering, you know. I remember her asking advice how to tame him. Then had her heart broken by him, still she told me. We are good friends right now. We just talked about him last night on how he used to be. How he used to be mine, and how he used to be hers. How he used to be our pretty boy.

Now, why am I not bothered with this? Did I not love him in the first place? Love, what's that even mean? Is it the way you care for him? Is it the thoughts for him? The trust? The commitment? Yes, I cared, trusted and used to think about him. If it is love, then I used to love him that I wanted him grow in a distance. I loved him, not the kind that smothered. If he comes back, then fine.

Now, I'm just glad that there's this girl who looks at me as a friend, with all those ex's and present girlfriend my ex-boyfriends had and will going to have, including their friends, who's going to hate you forever.


-------------------------------------------------------------------


(So, to answer the question; we can't help but feel somewhat negative when it comes to this EX thing. Humans as part of the animal kingdom, females are territorial in nature especially when around with other females. This is why "mother-in-laws" are typically monstrous (haha..sorry mommy Tess). We wanted us to be the one and the best.
We'll get jealous and insecure when he's around with someone, especially with someone whom he has history with. He might leave because the other girl is cooler, prettier, hotter  or whatever than me. Or he will cheat because you are....etc...No matter how we wanted to see it, they're there. They are part of his past. Accept it because like how humans are programmed biologically, his past is something we can't change. Besides, no matter how great you are there will always be greater than you.

Confidence and trust.
Believe in yourself. Show him you're the best he can have. Dress well, act well and invest in your mind. Be the woman he will want.
Believe in him. He may not be the showy type but he never misses good morning and goodnight messages. Let him go out with his friends. Let him missed you. Men don't want to be fenced. The more you are clingy, the more they elude you.)

My Journey to RockLandia

It's been a while since my last head trip. I've been busy business traveling these past months, doing some office chores and playing a lot of Clash of Clans (android strategic game).

If you ever happened to hear people (my officemates) call me "IDOL!", then throws in that peace sign with their hands like in concerts, let me tell you why...

I am a rockstar and yes! I love Nirvana and U2.

I will tell you, like I told the crowd during the MERALCO Battle of the Bands  last November 7, 2014, how I dreamt being in a band, how I wanted to perform on stage and how I thought everything will just be a vision. Everything just came too fast and surreal to me that I thought everything was just a dream until 3days. Haha!

Thursday, a week before that event, my colleague called and informed me if I'm willing to join the BotB, I said of course (just kidding) and submitted our entry (oh! Well...). We planned to practice just that following Monday, November 3, 2014, (because we are all professionals and all,haha) but all 4 of us are so busy that we decided to do it on the following day (we are thaaat good!). We still have no song that morning, lunchbreak when someone suggested "Sampaguita" song... "Nosi Ba Lasi" (it's a good choice for BotB song entry) and the group agreed. Knowing how my OPM knowledge sucks, I have to memorize the song. Our 3 session- 5hour practice was a no-good. I messed-up the lyrics but fortunately, my band is the best. I have the best lead guitarist (Leejay Caringal) and bass guitarist (Lawrence Yap) and easy-learner drummer (Jeck Calamiong). During the event, I feel confident after listening the other bands performed. I mean, during our practice, we took videos and listened to ourselves and felt bad about it but then came other bands like a confidence booster because few (or most) failed. You know live performance right, anything can go wrong but we didn't. Hehe! We performed and owned the night. We may not be the champion but we know we did great. We made our company, colleagues and friends proud, we made each other proud and we fulfilled our dreams.

Me - banging my head like a pro!

That night didn't end there. We had invitations. I got gig invitations. We performed during our Company's Anniversary celebration, during Christmas parties and our management bought and built us musical lounge.

One can never say how possible or impossible a dream is, even the wildest. Even if I used to sing during my younger years, I never thought I will make it to the rock stage. Especially when someone starts working and all the stuff life throwing at us.

Sure, I don't have the best and strong vocals but I have the passion and guts. Also, I've known no one, not even in my circle of friends, that ever love rock and grunge music more than I do.

Lesson - Never ignore and give up on a dream, no matter how impossible it may seems.